Us and Them

Deception

2011-11-09T00:01:00.000-08:00

Don't be fooled by those eyes, last night he kicked out the wall of his crib.

He's a demon. A cute demon, the worst kind.

And We Now Return To Your Regularly Scheduled Programming

2011-10-11T00:01:00.000-07:00

Boys R Us

For Kids, Big And Small

2011-09-13T00:01:00.000-07:00

Before we go anywhere, I'd like to take a minute to thank Blogger for nothing. Particularly not saving all the earlier changes I'd made to this post, making all that work... for nothing. You suck.

Carrying on...

Let's start this out right. Play the first few seconds to get the idea of what's happening, then skip ahead to the 50 second mark.

Not sure how many times the boys and I watched this, but it hasn't lost it's magic yet.

So today's random is random with a point. With the exception of the first video, everything posted here came from a fantastic new site called The Kid Should See This that is made up of videos that, while maybe not originally geared towards children, are educational and actually interesting to them. And no, I'm not promoting this site. Well, actually I am, but purely because I think the site is awesome and I think anyone with kids should know about it. Hell, even if you don't have kids, these videos are great. I've watched all of them and can't wait for more to be posted. I first heard about it on Kottke.org who described it like this:

With obvious exceptions, media “made for kids” is mindnumbingly dumb. YouTube, Flickr, and Vimeo are amazing resources of not-made-for-kids but totally-appropriate-for-kids stuff like what Rion is posting here.

Anybody out there remember the movie The Black Hole? If you do, you'll get the reference in a minute.

The next one is from General Dynamic. It uses dropped objects and gelatin molds to illustrate the transfer of energy in their dynamic braking system on hybrid locomotives. Dropping heavy things on jello in slo-mo, how can you go wrong?

Lastly, and my favourite, is this. A NASA promotional video that wasn't even created by NASA, but a fan who wanted to show what the space agency could do for itself if it only tried.

"In all of their brilliance, NASA seems to have forgotten to share their hopes and dreams in a way the public can relate to, leaving one of humanity’s grandest projects with terrible PR and massive funding cuts."

Make sure you supersize this one, it deserves it.

It's sad to think that what we spent on the mortgage bailout a few years back was more than NASA's entire 50 year budget. That 50 years bought us a man on the moon, the shuttle program, the International Space Station, the Mars rover, probes sent out past the farthest reaches of our solar system and inspired countless numbers of boys and girls to grow up and become scientists and engineers. The mortgage bailout bought us out of our own stupidity, and only temporarily at that. Wouldn't it be great if we could go back to the optimism of the early space program? Wouldn't it be great to have something like that to inspire our children? Personally, I'd be much happier knowing my tax dollars were going towards that than buying our way out of poor financial decisions and padding the wallets of the Wall Street executives who got away with letting it all happen.

Seriously, go check The Kid Should See This out, there's more awesomeness then I could possibly post here. I highly recommend the bike guy, the element song and the crazy octopus.

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall...

2011-09-01T00:01:00.000-07:00

Less Words, More Content

2011-08-16T00:01:00.000-07:00

For the lack-of-Star-Wars-content complainers:

Moss graffiti

Put in blender: one can of cheap beer or 1 1/2 cups buttermilk, a few handfuls of moss, one teaspoon of sugar. Paint on wall and mist daily until it grows.

This is pretty cool.

I finally, finally, FINALLY got an iPhone because my wife is awesome and said I could get one for our anniversary. After I got her a new bedside lamp from Ikea. Don't be jealous ladies. Anyway, here's some text between my brother and I. (btw, an otter is an iPhone cover)

There's really no way to introduce this.

There's 2 minutes you'll never get back. You're welcome.

'Cause You Can't, You Won't, And You Don't Stop

2011-08-09T00:01:00.000-07:00

So it turns out that when you abandon your blog for long periods of time people stop coming round. Then it ends up looking like the dark house on the block with the scary old recluse that gives you the stink eye through the blinds when you pass by. Jeez, you'd think somebody would at least stop by and offer to cut the grass.

I've been seeing this ad for some new Dodge minivan lately. At one point, the cutesie family inside is stuck behind this ancient flat bed truck carrying a load of hay up a hill and passes it in a show of the van's speed and versatility. Seriously, this is your ad campaign? Your van can pass a 60 year old farming truck. Oh goodie.

MOVE from Rick Mereki on Vimeo.

My office works from 5am to 9pm and for the last week or so I've been doing the morning shifts. The kids spend the day at my in-laws, so after work I go over and usually wait around for Supreme Leader to finish work so we can all go home together. The new schedule also means that I'm at my in-laws everyday in time to see a new soap opera that my father-in-law is watching. Sure it's in Mandarin and I have no idea what anyone is saying, but after watching it for a week in my post-work coma on their sofa I'm hooked. It takes place on a Chinese air force base, but it's the usual soap-ish drama, regardless of geography or language. Apparently, there are no lady pilots in the People's Republic, but their ground crews are sure hot.

Sesame Street breaks it down from Wonderful Creative on Vimeo.

With SL back at work now I've been spending a lot more time on public transit. Lately I've noticed that people don't seem to want to sit next to me, even when I make a point of holding my bag in my lap so they have a spot to sit. Do I look like an axe murderer or something? Maybe I should get an axe. No, that's totally impracticle, I'll get a hatchet instead, easier to swing. "The wheels on the bus go round and round..."

Random child picture. Well, random picture of my child, not just some random photo of another child. People frown on that.

Not sure if he has to pee or if it's just a guy thing. Wait... no, just a guy thing.

Have you seen this video yet? It's Neil Patrick Harris' intro to this year's Tony Awards. I see it every day. Many times a day. For some mysterious reason, whether he's a fan or likes show tunes (we're not judging), Finn will stop whatever he's doing to watch. Temper tantrums, injury, climbing across the ceiling spitting fire, whatever, he will climb up into our laps to watch. Whenever it's bottle time, on comes Harris and we all slip into a little bubble of peace and harmony. Thank you, Neil.

Teachers

2011-08-02T00:01:00.000-07:00

Dialing it in as usual, but this one is worth it.

The Boys, Er... Girls Of Summer

2011-07-26T00:01:00.000-07:00

On the American military base that I live near in England, they offer Little League baseball for the kids to join. I asked my oldest daughter, LaLa, who is 7, if she would like to join a team.

At this point you're probably thinking, the hell? I thought you lived in Canada and only had sons. You're right on both counts.

She was really keen even though she in all honesty has not been exposed to American sports since moving to the UK nearly 3 year ago. In fact, for the first week of the season she was still calling it cricket. Wrong bat. The season has been going on about a month and she has been steadily improving with each game. Well, as much a child with the attention span of a gnat can improve anyway.

My children have the same attention span and the only thing they could hit with a bat is each other. It's really Kat from 3bedroom who gave me a post because she's awesome like that. Now let's get back to the story, 'cause it's funny.

Last week, during our 3rd game, there was an incident. Ok, there has a been an incident almost every game, but this one took the cake. LaLa's team was out playing defense in the field. LaLa was playing the pitcher position, but since it is coach pitch baseball, she was basically just standing next to the opposing teams coach and waiting (when she was paying attention) for the ball to come her way. There was a little boy from the opposing team standing in the batters box waiting for the pitch to be tossed to him by his coach when all of a sudden LaLa took off running and screeching at the top of her lungs. She went out past the short stop, rounded 3rd base, down the 3rd base line, behind the catcher, down the 1st base line and came to a stop in front of the home team bleachers. When she stopped her eyes were filled with tears and she had a look of absolute panic on her face. Our whole set of bleachers was sitting with our jaws on the floor.

She stood there for a second caught her breath and the with a wild shout said “THERE WAS A BEE!”

I heard some of the parents behind me start giggling and I was in fact trying to hold in my own giggles as I said, “Alright hunny, you can go back to your position. I think you frightened it away!”

A career in sports or the military not likely with that child. *crosses those off the list* No composure during the heat of sporting battle.

I laugh, but I'd do the same thing and sound pretty much the same way. Including the little girl's voice. Whatever, like you're any different.

Thanks for enabling my lazy posting, Kat. Check out Kat if you don't already, she has a great blog, so great that she's actually #8 in the UK which is doubly cool considering she's not even English. Her Dear So & So posts every Friday are always entertaining. She also posts more than hardly ever.

"Oh, I have passed a miserable night..."

2011-07-22T00:01:00.000-07:00

I'd listen to Christopher Walken read the entire works of Shakespeare.

via oneplusinfinity

PS. Yes, I do plan on posting again

Subtleties of Language

2011-07-05T06:53:00.000-07:00

On the ride into work yesterday…

SL: Damn, I forgot my phone at home.
Me: Um, where do you work? (she works on the cellular side of the same company I work for)
SL: You can mock me.
Me: I am mocking you.
SL: On Communicator (Microsoft Office Communicator)
Me: BAHAHAHAHAHAH!
SL: (appropriate response withheld due to children in the car)

Flesh Eating Babies and Burning Cars

2011-06-21T00:01:00.000-07:00

Hey, remember me? I used to blog here. A lot. Now I've turned into something of a ghost blogger, only showing up every week or so to scare the locals before going back into hiding. Meh, I've got a one year old. A one year old who bit my eyelid Sunday night. Bit. My. Eyelid. 'Cause he's rabid. Why am I not blogging much anymore, because I've got an eyelid biting, rabid, cannibal one year old trying to kill me at every turn. That's why.

You know what's really awesome? When you've been prepping a blog post that you've been adding things to all day because you're forgetful at the best of times and then your 6 year old calls you from the bathroom where he's sitting on the toilet and jokingly tells you that your one year old is playing with his pooey diaper. Yes, the cannibal from above. You think nothing of it and go on looking at pictures in tumblr because, come on, he's six and poo jokes are in and besides, the baby is right here playing... where the hell is the baby? Then you run off to the bathroom and find out that, sure enough, your one year old has knocked over the garbage bin and has pulled opened the hideous abomination you threw in there a hour or so ago and meant to throw in the outside trash soon because of its noxious death odor but now it's too late because it's out. Out out. Like on the bath mat, and not only the bath mat, but the funny shaped one around the toilet bowl and oh god, it's on his hands, his hands! So then you stand him up against the bath tub so you can... do something with this disgusting, heinous crime against humanity and get the poo monster sprayed down before he touches something else, like your arm! He touched your arm! And then you see your six year old, still sitting on the throne, smirking because you have poo on your arm and now you don't need to wash it off because your fury is burning it from your skin only it's impotent fury because now you're trying to keep baby, who by now is soaped down and slippery as a greased pig, from playing with the faucets and burning himself. And once you've been able to contain this hazardous train wreck and get the animals back in their pens you discover that your effing computer has crashed and everything you've been working on is gone. Gone and not saved by Blogger even though you know you saw that damn 'save now' button turn from blue to grey.

*deep breath*

Moving on. See this picture here? I sent it to Michele from It's a Dog's Life...

...and she turned it into this.

Sadly, six days ago, a handful of asshats decided it would be fun to light cars on fire, loot, and generally ruin the reputation of a great city, all on the pretext of the Vancouver Canucks losing the Stanley Cup. By now I'm sure you've all seen the pictures of the fires and the destruction, but what you may not have seen was pictures like this.

This was the morning after the riots, and those are post-its notes thanking the Vancouver Police for everything they did. By the end of the day that car was buried in notes, cards, flowers and signs. That same morning, thousands of volunteers showed up downtown to help city crews clean up the mess. Another great thing that happened, that actually started before the rioting had even finished, was the creation of several facebook and tumblr pages encouraging people who had been there to submit their photos and videos of the rioters in an attempt to help the police identify them. As of last night, the VPD had over a million photos and a hundred hours of video. Quite a few idiots have already lost their jobs because their employers or people who worked with them saw them on line or on tv that night. Thank goodness most of the people who do this sort of thing are stupid enough to take pictures of themselves doing it.

Peace out

The Game's Afoot

2011-06-13T00:01:00.000-07:00

Don't worry, he was in no danger of falling down the stairs. Or at least falling very far. And the crazy voice was because I had one of his toys on my head to encourage him to walk to me.

The Big Red One

2011-06-10T08:01:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday, Finn.

FEMA and all local disaster relief agencies have been alerted.

Mud Pie... er, Cake

2011-06-01T00:01:00.000-07:00

Me: How did the potato masher get upstairs?
Supreme Leader: I don't know (she may have been gritting her teeth)
Liam: I don't know either, but it was probably stuck to my foot.

Huh? Whatever, he made me a mud cake for my birthday.

With an ocean theme. And it's a cake, not a pie. He was emphatic.

Permanent Slugs

2011-05-24T00:01:00.000-07:00

You know that 'permanent marker' thing on the side of a Sharpie? They're serious about that. And when your child decides to use one to paint a rock on your kitchen floor and it sinks into the linoleum, it's there permanently.

Supreme Leader's mat leave is almost done. I can tell she's looking forward to going back by the way she walks around the house muttering, "I hate my f@*king job."

"Baby baby baby, ohhh!" When we went grocery shopping on the weekend the audio section was playing a Justin Beiber concert video. That effing song lodged itself in my brain like some kind of heinous zombie cancer that made me want to drop to the floor and beat my head against it. "Hey look, toilet paper's on sale this week. Baby baby baby, ohh!" GAH! *thump thump*

Commercial for a photography store in Calgary.

Liam picked up a slug in the back yard yesterday and got slimed. It took over five minutes of vigorous scrubbing with a cloth to get that Ghostbusters ectoplasm guck off his hand. Don't play with slugs. Just sayin.

Sleeping Poet

2011-05-18T00:01:00.000-07:00

Beans have eyes but you can't see them
Spiders don't hurt they're trying to help
Bees are helping too just watch your fingers
Fish plant beans but they're seaweed beans
Everyone plants beans, everything plants beans
Don't worry about rose bushes, just don't touch them

- Liam

Hockey, Butter & Dinosaurs

2011-05-11T00:01:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to get a post out for a week now.

But it's playoffs. Suck it, Vaughn.

And the last time the Vancouver Canucks made it to the 3rd round Supreme Leader and I had just got engaged. (this one's for you, hon)

I was only twelve the time before that.

So this is all I've got for now. Nothing personal.

Unless you're from San Jose, Detroit, Tampa Bay or Boston. Although I'd like to throw out a big thank you to Mary and the Red Wings for winning last night and drawing San Jose into a tiring seventh game.

"U kalle rah doe kankee kung"*

2011-04-26T00:01:00.000-07:00

Much like a dog or a wild animal that's tasted human blood for the first time, Finn's need to stick everything into his mouth, regardless of size, shape or common sense has now become a serious issue. It started out as it usually does, bit of paper, fuzz, the occasional dropped cereal around the dining table. As with his older brothers, it progressed on to toy cars, remote controls, et cetera. Now though...

That there? That's a chunk of burnt wood from the fireplace. We caught him eating a nice sharp charred bit last week. Sharp like glass, sharp. And after we fished it out of his mouth? He tried to go back for more, hence the picture of it sitting in my car port.

Then the inevitable. Supreme Leader has him in his big brother's room and hears a gagging noise. Jamming a finger in his mouth after wrestling him away from the Lego box she can feel something hard and pointy in there but needs to reposition since he's fighting her and trying to eat her finger as well. Then it's gone. We're not sure whether or not it's still in his stomach or he spat it out when she picked him up, but I can tell you where it hasn't been for half a week of diaper changes. Damn kids.

Liam to Supreme Leader after being asked to be left alone to play: "It's not that I don't want you in my life, I just want to be alone for now."

I love people who cough in your ear on the phone. Once is understandable, but when you do it consistently that just makes you a horrible human being who deserves flaming genital warts.

And how about we just leave it at flaming genital warts.

*"You are my kind of scum." -Jabba the Hutt

The tide is high but I'm holding on...*

2011-04-19T00:01:00.000-07:00

So where have I been? No, really where the hell have I been? I woke up yesterday in an alley behind a bar in Veracruz with a bullet in my thigh, a pocket full of Peruvian cash and no memory of the last week. Having a new baby really takes a toll. Seriously, just look at this kid.

No, that's not ketchup or jam around his mouth, on his shirt or smeared across his fists, it's blood. No no no, don't be boo hooing or poor babying him, he's a terrorist. At ten and a half months he has had more split lips than both his older brothers have had in their combined 13 and a half years.

I don't even like baseball, but I love this commercial.

Part two of my surgery texts with my sister, the aftermath:

Sister: I'm alive.
Me: Yay! Thanks for reminding me to call you.
Me: Do you have a peg leg?
Sister: Yes rhet even lent me a parrot til I can afford my own!!!!
Sister: Not rhet they.
Me: Our health care is awesome!
Sister: Right!!!!
Me: 'Not rhet they?' Are you still doped up?
Sister: I was correcting my spelling mistake... Smart ass.
What made you so cold and heartless... sniff sniff
Me: Whatever, dope head.

Connor: My tummy feels funny.
Supreme Leader: Do you have a tummy ache? What does it feel like?
Connor: It feels like moths mating, or like I ate three grains of rice.
Me: *inside voice* WTF?

Somebody turned six on Sunday. Six? No, SIX!

*I couldn't think of a title so I started up iTunes and took the first line out of the first song that came up.

"Mush! Mush!"

2011-04-05T00:01:00.000-07:00

Text message conversation between me sister and I. (Background: my sister damaged her knee badly during the 2008 Iditarod when she lost control of her sled and had to have several surgeries on it. This past winter, deciding it would be a good idea to take up snowboarding, she injured the same knee again and has to undergo another surgery. A surgery we've spoken about MANY times previous to this.)

Sister: My surgery is booked for April 12th
Me: For the bone growing in your neck? (long standing joke, you wouldn't get it)
Sister: Asshole!
Me: What's wrong with your asshole?
Sister: Um, you're the asshole!!!! I am having knee surgery!!!
Sister: You're kidding, right?
Me: BAHAHAHAHAHA
Sister: Yer soooooo funny.
Me: I was laughing.

Meh, maybe you had to be there. Also, my sister never really competed in the Iditarod, but she has been to Alaska on a repositioning cruise.

PS. A repositioning cruise is where a cruise ship is moved between seasons, like a ship that travels the coast of Mexico during the winter is brought up to Vancouver or Seattle to cruise to Alaska for the summer.

RTT: Friday

2011-04-01T00:01:00.000-07:00

Day 5 and the conclusion of my RTT tribute. It's been fun. And a pain in the ass, which is probably why Keely is taking a "break."

Me: Hi, this is Chad from _____.
Customer: Jam?
Me: .... um, sure.

Wouldn't it be great to be able to use Firefox at work? Or Google Chrome? Safari? A typewriter and stamps? I don't care if it's an 'industry standard,' Internet Explore blows, regardless of what version it is. Forcing people to use it is cruel and unusual.

There was something here but now there's not. Hi Billy-Kwan!

Trying to scrub down my oldest, and most ticklish, in the bath tub last night.

Me: I don't care if it tickles, if I don't get you scrubbed down you'll get all nasty and covered with scabs.
Connor: What are scabs?
Me: Scabs, like when the blood dries up over a cut.
Connor: Why would I get scabs? (still deflecting the wash cloth)
Me: Cause you'll be all dirty and disgusting and you'll itch until you start to bleed and you'll be covered in scabs that will get all infected...
Connor: *laughing*
Supreme Leader: *laughing*
Liam: *using penis as a puppet*
Me: *tosses wash cloth* Wash yourself

A few months back I took the boys to the pet store and let them pick out a couple of fish for our aquarium. They both picked some ornamental goldfish that I have come to despise. All they do is eat and crap and kill plants and crap some more. Between eating they spend all their time, ALL of their time, looking for more food. And crapping. I hate them. Unfortunately I've made my displeasure known quite publicly so if any sort of "accident" were to happen, not that it ever would, I would be the prime suspect. Fucking goldfish.

Alright, good enough. Hope you enjoyed the ride and have a good weekend.

Random Thursday

2011-03-31T00:01:00.000-07:00

Day four and we're still plugging away. Now, when I mentioned a week long celebration or dirge for the Un-Mom's Random Tuesday I meant a business week, ok? I won't be doing this over the weekend.

Just as I sat down to start writing tonight about how I spelled Cleveland wrong and nobody mentioned it, neither my more sarcastic, but dearly loved followers or Mama Badger or Literal Mom who are actually from Ohio, Supreme Leader walks over and writes "fair well" and "farewell" in front of me and asks which one is correct. She's not polite like you.

Impressionist Vader

This is a cute video, and all the more so because it's a true story.

If you're interested, you can see the new soccer pitch on Google maps here.

Poor little Liam, he's been sick off and on since... since I can't even remember. He's a magnet for viruses and bacteria, and lucky him, just about everything has started blooming around here just in time to kick his allergies in the ass. I took this picture a week or so back when he was so tired of wiping his nose he decided to just lay the tissue on the floor and lay his face on it.

And now that you're feeling all sorry for him, let me tell you about how he used his penis for a little ventriloquist act in the bath tub tonight... or not.

Random Wednesday

2011-03-30T00:01:00.000-07:00

First off, before I say anything else... CLEAVLAND ROCKS! I'd have pictures but it was too dark by the time I got home and my camera takes horrid flash shots. And that's pictures with a flash, not pictures of flashers. Never mind, you still don't know what I'm talking about.

Day Three of my random tribute to Keely... I had more on that but our TV is currently on Dancing With the Stars because Supreme Leader is watching it even though she's not in the room. Or even on the same floor. Could they not use the original versions of the songs they dance to? These cover versions make me want to stab my ears.

Kinetic typography. This is from Conan's fair well, but what they've done with it is really cool.

Conan O'Brien Kinetic Typography from Jacob Gilbreath on Vimeo.

My wife crochet me a little Yoda, Boba Fett and Storm Trooper. Because she is that awesome.

We're currently in our second week of Spring Break. This is partly because our school boards couldn't manage a 7/11 let alone a school district and partly because it turns out that hosting the Olympics is really really expensive. Good thing Supreme Leader is still on mat leave. On Monday she took Connor and Liam to the Aquarium where they were treated to seeing a Beluga whale poo. It was the highlight of the trip.

Portrait of a Whale Pooing by Connor.

Portrait of a Whale Pooing by Liam.

My Mac has become the old family dog that should be put down but nobody has the heart to do it. Hold on, Buddy, for the family.

Balloon bass and a box, nowhere to go from there.

Random Tuesday... on Tuesday

2011-03-29T00:01:00.000-07:00

Day Two!

Last weekend while we were over at the in-laws I happened to be walking past the bathroom when I heard Liam inside talking to himself. The door was wide open, because he's five, and there he stood before the bowl, pants down to his ankles and a grim look of determination on his face. He was taking individual sheets of toilet paper and carefully controlling his stream so he could laser each sheet in half one at a time. I was amused and proud all at once.

Call me old fashioned, but I miss the old days on Twitter when people were just there to amuse one another. Now a days my Twitter stream is clogged with people trying to give me advice or sell me something or trying to get me to click on some random link to something I really wasn't interested in anyway. And what's with people who follow you who haven't even tweeted anything yet? I don't look at my followed or followers as a popularity contest, I want to amuse and be amused, not agravated and annoyed. I feel a great purge coming.

Dog bunny.

Ever heard of a nonillion? That's 1000 x a billion x a billion x a billion, or the estimated number of microbial cells in the world's oceans. Collectively they weigh the equivalent of 240 billion African elephants. Courtesy of the Census of Marine Life.

And... um... ah... look, something shiny!

Random Monday

2011-03-28T00:01:00.000-07:00

Last week, before a sombre gathering of the press, the Un-Mom announced the demise of Random Tuesday. A horrified world reeled at the news and demanded answers, but much like the press conferences held by Japanese government officials in their fancy jumpsuits, Keely's answers were misleading and questionable at best. Lacking guidance of any kind, the faithful were cast out alone into the darkness. What are we going to do on Tuesdays?

What would John Locke do? Kill something with one of his knife and then smile in his 'I-know-something-that-you-don't-know' or maybe 'I'm-just-thinking-how-funny-it-would-be-to-murder-you' kinda way, but that's just not practicle in this situation. Instead I've decided to dedicate this whole week to Random Tuesday and our benefactor, Keely for creating and hosting RTT all these... however long has she been doing this. And sure, she only said hiatus, but I'm one to blow just about anything out of proportion so why should this be any different? So here we go, day one. Random Monday.

Ever wonder what the inside of a sting ray looks like?

Liam's sitting on the potty the other night, carefully picking his nose and wiping it on a single sheet of toilet paper. Then he drops it in the toilet and says, "look daddy, it's a booger raft!"

Conversation with Finn after having to hide his smooshed up peas and squash with his smooshed up berry dessert and thereby diffusing his apoplectic fury

Me: Singin' a different tune now, aren't we?
Finn: Gurgle
Me: Fruit whore

Notice that line above his left eyebrow that kind of looks like hair but is more red in the way your skin gets when your head gets wedged in between a chest and a railing and your dad has to come and actually move the chest because when he tries to pick you up your head won't move because it is literally STUCK? Ya, that's not hair.

I should close this with some segue to tomorrow's post, but all I can think of are Pringles and the fact that that can behind Finn is gone now. *sniffle*

Posts Cards From The Edge: Part Two

2011-03-15T00:01:00.000-07:00

Way back on January 20th I asked if anybody out there in blog land would like to exchange postcards because my half cube at work was a little dull looking.

I've taken about four pictures of my wall since then, but each time I did I would get home and find another one waiting for me. Out of 60-ish responses I received forty postcards, not bad.

While I love and appreciate all of them, there was one special one I received that didn't get a pin jabbed through it. And no, I'm not referring to the black and white one up on the top right from Salt Lake City, UTah, though that one is pretty awesome. Wait, what did you think that meant? Anyway, you can see it on the back drop of my screen, where all my sensitive client information would be if I hadn't remembered to hit 'desktop' before taking the picture.

Bella Sinclair of Bella Sinclair Doodlespot made me a picture of my three little Jedi's complete with a cardboard sign. Click on it for full effect. That one got it's own frame. Check out her page if you get a chance, her artwork is fantastic.

So thanks to everybody who participated, I really appreciated it.

Whales Don't Have Ears, They Know Math*

2011-03-08T00:01:00.000-08:00

*Liam, who else?

Finn's first trip to the beach.

This was the only time he was actually let down, otherwise he would eat the sand.

This is wildly addicting. Be warned.

And this is really cool, but only if you're watching it on a decent computer. If your video usually comes out all shaky, it's not going to be as impressive.

Me: Why did you give me your cold?
Liam: I didn't give it to you, it donated itself.

And finally, a little something special for my Mom and the Un-Mom.

Kiss kiss!

Acute Viral Rhinopharyngitis*, Fun For The Whole Family

2011-03-03T00:01:00.000-08:00

(Sorry, I know it's a little small but the right side cut off when I tried making it extra large so you'll have to click for full effect)

(And try to ignore how the background colour doesn't fill all the gaps in the letters, I don't know how to fix that)

*the common cold, though not so common when it's crushing your soul like a candy wrapper

Ginger Beef, Gold & Teachers

2011-03-01T00:01:00.000-08:00

Email between Supreme Leader and I the other day after we had Chinese food at work:

Me: Mmm, ginger beef...
Supreme Leader: B
Me: Does that rhyme with plastered?
SL: Stitch
Me: Nasty.
SL: Princess
Me: I'm going to blog your meanness
SL: Cut off

See what I have to put up with?

Where the hell have I been?

Hmm, what was I doing around this time last year? Oh ya, I was recovering from this

And this

Heh heh heh.

I want everything in this video.

A series of text messages between my sister and I:

Sister: Hey
Sister: How many times to I have to call You a butch (iPhone auto correct) before you answer?
Sister: Butch, ha ha ha
Sister: BITCH
Sister: Bitch
Sister: BITCH
Sister: Seriously
Sister: Some people are just so rude, some people say they will call you and don't
BTW that's 8 texts…jerk
Sister: You're dead to me.
Me (next day): Shit! Sorry. I'm a horrible brother, what can I say. Tonight?
Sister: That's funny, I didn't think the dead could talk… let alone text… DEAD TO ME

About five minutes before I found this next video I received a comment from Vodka Mom. Must mean something. So for Deb and PHST and Apathy Lounge and Unmitigated, because she used to be one, and any other teacher bloggers I might be forgetting, this is for you.

Easy-Peasy, Bright and Breezy, Lemon Squeezy.

2011-02-15T00:01:00.000-08:00

Kids offer a constant stream of blogability, and in the past week and a half, Liam has been gold. GOLD. Tantrums, regular conversation, buttering Mommy and Daddy up or just opening his mouth to let the magic fall out. If I made any money off this site I'd have to put him on the payroll.

Liam: Mommy, what's all that white in your hair?
Mommy: When people get older their hair starts to get white.
Liam: Why is there so much of it? Hey Connor! Come look at Mommy's head!

See? Gold.
(Supreme Leader got a cut and colour soon after this conversation took place.)

Somebody, and I'm not naming names, had a little accident the other night. When I went in to find out why he… er, the person in question, was crying, the person was busy pulling all their stuffed animals out of the bed. When I stripped this person down and wrapped him/her in a clean blanket so I could go get some new sheets, this person said, "I'll have to apologize to my bed." Then he/she curled up in a ball on the floor and fell asleep again.

"Explosions of love!"

While I was washing dishes and he was drawing on the patio doors with window crayons:

Liam: Daddy, I found a spider, should I kill him?
Daddy: Why don't we let him go.
Liam: Ok, the kitchen is messy enough for him to live in.

Ouch.

Intrepid explorer...

...lover of cherries...

...slayer of giants, he does it all.

"If you come to my country, don't bring peanuts."

Wouldn't dream of it, Pumpkin. Thanks for giving Daddy something to write about this week.

Finding A Good Title Is Like Trying To Find That Second Sock In The Dryer

2011-02-08T00:01:00.000-08:00

Why the hell do so many people in my city feel the need to use their high beams at night? Are they sight impaired? If I lived in the middle of nowhere I could understand, but we live in a city. With street lamps. WTH?

I was taking the Sky Train (elevated transit not a magic train) to work the other day and happened to look down just as the train was passing over a shady section of Metropolis, and by Metropolis I mean Superman's Metropolis. It was actually a block long movie set they use to film Smallville. Is that still on the air? Anyway, it was very weird to be suddenly travelling over seedy looking brownstones, especially since we don't have brownstones here.

It was Chinese New Year a couple days back, Year of the ... Unicorn? Gerbil? I don't know. Possibly a bunny. Anyway, one of the traditional New Year's gifts given out to children or younger unmarried people or your favourite waiter is little red envelopes filled with money. As usual, the boys made out like theives.

They graciously shared some of their money to pay the delivery guy for some beef brisket hot pot and chow mien. Thanks boys.

Supreme Leader sent me this email at work the other day. She'd just arrived home after taking the boys out to get their hair cut and to buy a new coffee machine:

We had picked out the coffee maker and Connor wanted to help and carry it, Liam wanted to help too but Connor wouldn't let him. There ensued a mini tantrum, tears and pitiful cries of Connor being mean and not wanting him to be helpful. I suggested to Connor that they should take turns. Connor gave the box to Liam who tried to carry it and walk, he was having trouble and said, I hope I remembered the words exactly, "Could someone wipe my eyes, I can't see very well with these tears in my eyes."

Gratuitous baby shot.

So the postcards have been rolling in and they have been entertaining. One of them was so amazing we're actually buying a frame for it. Unfortunately, I totally lost track of who I did and didn't get a hold of, so if you said you wanted in on this and I haven't traded addresses with you yet, let me know. For everybody else, they're out and at the whim of your country's postal service.

Random Tuesday, and I actually managed to do it on Tuesday.

Have A Purple Day

2011-02-03T00:01:00.000-08:00

Ya, so I missed RTT again. I'd offer an excuse but you don't really care why and I don't have one so let's move on, shall we? I've received three post cards so far from Ellie at Me, You and Ellie, Jenni at Oscarelli and Juliana from Surviving Boys and I've heard back from... I think 5 people now that they've received there's. Yay! I'll take another pic of my desk once I've got some more up on my wall.

Hello, Marion.

This is pretty cool. What other planets would look like from Earth if they were orbiting us from the same distance as the moon is.

Scale from Brad Goodspeed on Vimeo.

How long does it take you to figure out what this means?

I actually found this after I wrote this post up and realized I hadn't added anything Star Wars related. It's like there was a disturbance in the Force that auto-corrected itself. Matthew from Cicero, NY, this ones for you.

Middle-child Liam started out the school year with some "behavioural issues" and to help him along, his teachers created a colour coded chart to track his day. Blue was great, green was good, yellow-meh, and red for DefCon 1. He's had his ups and downs, but lately he has been doing so well that his teacher added a new colour to his chart, purple.

Have a purple day.

Pretend Like It's Tuesday, Or Maybe Twensday

2011-01-26T00:01:00.000-08:00

Today's post was supposed to be a Random Tuesday, but I got kinda side tracked writing up a thousand postcards. What the hell was I thinking? Ok, not really. It was more me getting home from work last night at nearly 10pm and thinking my time would be better spent watching the hijinks of Rick Castle and the dreamy Detective Kate Beckett. What? Anyway, I've sent out post cards to most people who've given me their addresses already. If you're one of those people who don't have your comments linked to your email address, I haven't got to you yet, but never fear, I will. Pinkie swear. Also, there are one or two of you out there who requested to be in on this but not only can I not email you back from your comment, your link goes nowhere. Sorry, but you're going to have to email me. Don't know what I'm talking about? Postcard exchange, check it out. And just to make my life easier: ctordoff (at) yahoo.ca

Did you see my new Twitter bird up top? Kirsten from Life & Times of Maladay did that for me because she's full of fantasticosity. If you've never been to her blog, or blogtoon as she describes it, I highly recommend it. Totally worth going back and reading her previous posts.

We bought a new printer this weekend. One of the first items in the instructions was a warning not to consume the silica pack. I'm sorry, but aside from the danger to a small child or someone with a learning disability, if you've ever considered eating packing salt, go ahead, you're thinning the gene pool.

Two guys program a phone to drive a car. The Chinese will rule the world one day. Them and Google.

I had to stop at a drug store this past weekend to pick up some stamps and there was the prerequisite child outsite trying to sell chocolate bars for {insert cause}. I only had money for stamps so I passed her up with a polite blow off. On the way out though, she'd been joined by a second and they were chanting their sales pitch à la Village of the Damned. They were terrifying. If I'd had a wooden stake I might have erred on the side of caution and sent them back to their chocolatey hell.

Don't look at me like that. They had dead eyes. DEAD EYES!

I heard on the news today that Vancouver is now the 3rd least affordable city in the world to live in behind Hong Kong and Sydney, Australia. Ah, that's why my taxes are so freaking high. Great. They said that the average home will take 9 years to pay off based on a salary of $67,000, and that's using 100% of the salary. Hmm, and if you make nowhere near $67,000 a year? Bastards. Maybe I'll start collecting empty bottles.

And finally, Michael Jackson's Smooth Criminal on dueling cellos, because really, where can you go from there?

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Both videos from oneplusinfinity.

Posts Cards From The Edge

2011-01-20T00:01:00.000-08:00

The edge of my department that is. Well, not the very edge. If you were to push over that faux wall there you'd be in another department that does who knows what but gets the sweet ass view of the north shore mountains. Bastards. Whatever, I can stand up and see them. But my lack of a view is not what this is about, what it's about is the great empty space on my left.

Bare right? I have a few pics on the right hand side, but the left is barren except for a couple pictures of the kids and a duck that Liam made for me. So the other day when I was making my hourly pilgrimage to the Keurig machine I noticed that one of my coworkers had a couple of postcards up and ~~since everything is a competition~~ I thought, hey, I know a lot of people from places that aren't here and wouldn't that be cool if I could ~~show off~~ decorate my lonely workspace with postcards from them? Would you like a postcard from Vancouver? Send me one from where ever you are and I'll send you one back. Cool, right? It will be like friending each other on FB but with a more personal touch. And it will cost us a stamp. Can you put a price on friendship though? Ok, I guess it will also be the cost of a postcard too. Forget that last question. Anyway, if you're interested, let me know in the comments and I'll email you back if you're set up for that and we can exchange addresses. If you're comments are not linked to your email, my email address is... wait, I have to go look at the preview... ok, it's on the bottom right hand side of the page. Help me to look cooler than my work mates and I'll send you a pretty picture for your fridge.

PS. It's very dark in the picture because it was at the beginning of a 5am to 1pm shift and since I was alone I figured it would be the best time to take a picture since I'm not really sure if I'm allowed to or not.

PPS. Yes, that's still a picture of my kids and Santa on my desktop, what of it?

PPPS. I just noticed that box under my desk and I have no idea what it is.

Title? Title? Nah, I Got Nothin

2011-01-18T00:01:00.000-08:00

This dog has nothing to do with anything, but holy hell look at his face.

My mom has an iPad. My mom. I have a two year old iTouch, and a hand me down computer, but my mom now has an iPad. Not that I'm jealous or anything, I'm very happy for her.

My mom.

We had a brief snow day last week so we bundled Finn up for his first experience with snow.

A heinous Canadian terrorist bent on God know what was stopped at the American border last week only moments before contaminating the land of the free and home of the brave with her car load of nefarious contraband. And what was she smuggling? Weapons grade plutonium? Low cost pharmaceuticals? Or a Kinder Surprise?

That's right, she was stopped and fined $300 for trying to cross the border with a child's toy wrapped inside a delicious chocolate egg. Apparently the United States government has decided the toy inside the egg is a choking hazard. Fair enough, but if you've ever tried to open one of those f@%#g eggs for one of your children you'll know the real hazard is to the parent, not the child.

I always get complaint when I don't post something Star Wars related..

My sister in law got me these really nice pants from JCrew a while back and I just wore them for the first time yesterday. They are comfy as hell and look great, but they have the craziest... um, buttony uppy thing. There's the fly and the button but then there's this whole other strap-like attachment that you have to button up before you zip. It's like a built in chastity belt. The hell?

More crochet magic. Unless it's knit. Whatever.

And finally, in honour of our host Keely, snow zombie.

Dad, Liam told me he was going to eat my eyebrows!

2011-01-11T00:01:00.000-08:00

The day after Christmas we're sitting at the dinner table enjoying turkey leftovers when a mini-foot ball flies across the table and hits Liam in the eye. Hard. I look up at Connor with an it-must-have-been-the-tryptophan-because-I-know-you-could-not-possibly-just-have-done-what-I-think-you-just-did death stare only to find him looking back at me with the stink eye because he knows he's busted and this is how he responds instead of just admitting his guilt. I'd like to say I approached the issue calmly and quietly and not like Homer Simpson strangling Bart, but that didn't happen, though I did manage to keep my hands off his neck. His excuse?

He told you to? He freakin told you to? Is this supposed to be funny? Funny how? I mean funny like you're a clown, you amuse me? You make me laugh, you're here to freakin amuse me?

*throbbing vein in forehead*

Supreme Leader has been crocheting like mad lately. I want this.

Pre-Xmas conversation between my sister and I.

Sister: Hey, it's getting really close to Christmas, what should I get for the boys?
Me: Meh, just get them some gift cards for Toys R Us. What should I get for Mik and Dakoda?
Sister: Gift cards are probably easiest.
Me: ....
Sister: ....
Me: How about you just buy your kids a couple of gift cards and say they're from us and we'll do the same.
Sister: That works. What about Finn?
Me: *thinking about much younger step brother* Are you going to see dad before Christmas?
Sister: Ya.
Me: How about you pick up one more gift card for Josh and we'll get another for Finn?
Sister: How lame are we?
Me: Whatever, it works.

Santa? Still waiting for the iPad.

DRINKme-EATme-READme from Irina Neustroeva on Vimeo.

And with that I direct your attention to the Un-Mom's where you're sure to find a plethora of Random Tuesday hijinks. Or Keely's zombie savaged corpse slowly beginning to reanimate. Either way it's sure to be entertaining.

King of the Jungle

2010-12-30T00:01:00.000-08:00

Connor: Mommy, do you know who rules the house?
Mommy: I do.
Connor: *confused* No, it's Daddy.
Daddy: Mommy rules the house. *reminds self to talk to boy*
Connor: *ignoring* There are four boys in the house and we vote Daddy!
Daddy: *shakes head sadly*
Mommy: Who do you ask when you want to play Wii?
Connor: Mommy.
Mommy: Who do you ask when you want to play on the computer?
Connor: Mommy.
Daddy: When you ask me anything, who do I tell you to ask?
Connor: mommy

Life is full of hard lessons, son, learning this one early will make the rest of your life a lot easier.
Trust me.

Merry Christmas

2010-12-21T00:01:00.000-08:00

This was supposed to be a Christmas edition of Random Tuesday, but I have MAN-COLD and will probably be dead before the big day so I figured I spend one of my last nights flipping channels in a catatonic trance moving only to drink my tea and eat cookies instead.

If you look closely you'll notice Connor appears to be blessing you like an Eastern Orthodox saint or something but he was actually just holding Finn's hand a second before the photo was snapped. Then again, maybe he has plans we don't know about.

Merry Christmas blogosphere.

Cardboard Signs, It's Been A While...

2010-12-16T00:01:00.000-08:00

...and he's the only one who hasn't done one yet.

If you're new around these parts and aren't familiar with the signs, here's some old ones:

The Very Hungry Superhero

2010-12-07T00:01:00.000-08:00

Random?

Go check out the Un-Mom for more.

PS. Ever wonder why you have to wait on hold for so long when you call the phone company?

Mwah ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!

PPS. Sorry, Liam. I just realized I made Super Caterpillar's cape the wrong colour.

I Posted, That's Pretty Random

2010-11-30T00:01:00.000-08:00

"White dog! I poison your soup!" Or what I thought my mother-in-law yelled at me this weekend when my father-in-law and I came home from grocery shopping. Then again, she may have just been telling us to close the door because it was cold.

In our little corner of Canada we don't get a lot of snow in the winter. So little, in fact, that we're the butt of jokes for the rest of the country when it does snow and we're forced to drive in it. So little that our children do not appreciate being interrupted from enjoying it so their parents can take pictures.

I was eating that snow after the picture was taken.

Random gifts!

A couple of days ago I came home to a beautiful white box from the US Postal Service marked Hawaii. And what was inside?

Yummy Hawaiian stuff! Coffee, coconut syrup, every possible variant of chocolate and macadamian nuts you could think of and a bag of chocolate covered... stuff. I don't know what it is but it tastes good. They were my winnings from Pseudo at Winds of Change. The contents didn't come out that well in the picture, but it was a snow day and I thought it would look good.

Kat from 3 Bedroom sent us this way back when Finn was born in June. This picture worked out great because it was the middle of the World Cup and England had just been knocked out.

Why did it take me five months to post the picture? Um, I was waiting for the right moment.

Shortly after I got the England jersey from Kat, Maggie from Mind of a Mad Woman sent me a rugby jersey from the New Zealand All Black's. Again, this is four or five months later, but on my behalf, he was a premie and has only just been able to fit into it now.

If you sent me something recently and are now pissed that I didn't include it, simmer down, there'll always be another post.

I'm horrific at math, but I do find certain numbers sexy. Ever wonder what the smallest possible measurement is? 0.00000000000000000000000000000000001 m or Planck Length. That's a one with 34 zeros in front of it. Apparently anything smaller than that makes "no physical sense." On the other side? 93,000,000,000 light years, or the estimated size of the universe. HTwins.net has this super cool site that you can scroll from one to the other in a super cool way that I can't really describe or could if I weren't so tired and didn't want to just finish this so I could go to bed, so just click right here and go look at it. In between the planets and the galaxies there is a section on stars. There's one called WOH G64 that is 2.8 billion kilometres in circumference. Don't worry, it's too big for your brain to comprehend. Our sun is 1.4 million kilometres around for perspective, the Earth 12,700. If you were to fly a plane around that sun, it would take 1200 years. How crazy is that?

Want more crazy? Go check out the Un-Mom's.

C is for Cookie

2010-11-17T00:01:00.000-08:00

So I'm sitting here at my desk, waiting for my shift to start and trying to think of something to blog about. And sitting. And thinking. And sitting. And thinking. And I think I'll take a sip of water. And ooh, look at the trees blowing around out the window, hope that wind dies down before my shift is over.Squirrel!

And so goes my blog for the last few months. No, this isn't another boo-hoo-I'm-so-busy-I-don't-have-time-to-blog post so don't start skimming. Well, don't start skimming yet. I don't know where this is going. Anyway, aside from being busy with the new job/baby lately and being lazy when I'm not, I just haven't been able to focus on anything to post about. It's not like writer's block or anything, it's more like… should I blog that? Meh. Maybe I'll eat a cookie instead.

I think in the ebb and flow of a blog's life, I'm in wallowing in an ebb. I'm in the valley looking up at the peak. No, I'm in the valley taking a nap. Hell, I haven't even updated the list of books I'm reading and I finished two of them months ago. I'd even planned blogging about them, but now I'm all, uh, what were they about? The Creed of Violence wasn't bad, but the best thing about it was definitely the author's name. Boston Tehran. How cool is that? Fool by Christopher Moore was fantastic. Literally laugh out loud funny. It's King Lear from the fool's point of view. Kinda. Under Heaven I haven't quite finished yet, but it's good. Anything by Guy Gavriel Kay is.

*looks around*

Um… what else?

*crickets*

So, anyone else think the whole Christina/shooting trauma storyline on Grey's has gone on waaaay too long?

*………..*

I don't know, that's all I got. What about you? Would you like to know something? Questions? Comments? Suggestions for something to write about?

Maybe I should stick to pictures.

Maybe I should get to work.

A World Called Catastrophe*

2010-11-10T00:32:00.000-08:00

So I didn't do Random Tuesday yesterday, partly because it's all I seem to do anymore and I thought I should actually try writing a post for a change, and partly because, well, mostly because I was just tired and didn't.

What?

The shifts I'm doing right now leave me about three minutes to myself a day, and sadly, those three minutes don't include the bathroom.

Wait. Ok, I've got quite a bit of me time during my commute, but I can't post then either. Well, I could, but not safely. Actually, since I don't have a smart phone I can't prove that one way or the other, so we'll stick with no writing in the car.

But I do have breaks at work. Breaks in which I find random things like this:

Or exceptionally random things like this:

And AC/DC's Thunderstruck on the bagpipes? That can't wait until next Tuesday, my friends, you needed to hear that right now.

Oh, and here's some baby.

See that lunge for Supreme Leader's shoulder? I wonder if The Walking Dead need any zombie babies? Being gummed to death by a toothless zombie baby, think about it. Oh, and the strange chanting in the background was my oldest performing some type of dark ritual for the ancient fire demons he worships. Kids these days. Then again, maybe it was just the Halloween candy.

PS. Every time I check this in Preview Blogger tells me an error occurred with the last video and to try again later so if it doesn't show up tomorrow, blame Google.

*Nothing to do with anything, just the last song I heard in the car before I got home. Matthew Good

Pac Man Bag pipes

Random Star Wars: Episode 1

2010-11-02T00:01:00.000-07:00

A few weeks back Mom in High Heels left a comment in a Random Tuesday post asking why I hadn't included anything Star Wars related and it gave me an idea. How about an entire Random Tuesday post dedicated to Star Wars?

I love photoshop.

Civil War era Vader portrait by Greg Peltz.

Words to live by. Along with 'WWHD?' or what would Han do? (Shoot Greedo and tip the barman, that's what he'd do.)

This guy? Nothing to do with Star Wars, but I haven't posted a picture of him in awhile. And he has caused a great disturbance in the Force.

Not random enough for you today? Then I'll leave you with Chewbacca riding a chipmunk while fighting Nazis.

Random that.

Then check out the Un-Mom for more.

"A Loaf Of Bread, A Container Of Milk And A Stick Of Buttah"

2010-10-26T00:01:00.000-07:00

Why is it that when Supreme Leader gives me a shopping list of more than two items I will inevitably have to call her to remind me what the hell I was sent out for in the first place yet 30+ years on I have no problems recalling this list?

I went along with Liam's class to the pumpkin patch yesterday. Gale force winds, rain like icy daggers, thigh deep mud and twenty-two five year olds who've picked pumpkins far too big for them to carry. Good times. Good times.

"Who cleans up the pineapple juice spilt on my floor?" Never liked Sponge Bob.

Not random enough?

If Roger Moore carrying a light sabre isn't random enough for you then I'm sorry, I can't help you. Maybe The Un-Mom can.

Does Anyone Else Dance Like A Fool When Hawaii 5-0 Comes On?

2010-10-19T00:01:00.000-07:00

Where's Optimus Prime when you need him?

Had a great piece of blog fodder for this week but I was told that if I used it I would be cut off. Too bad, it was funny. Well, funny to me.

Along with neglecting my blog, the combination of baby/new job also lead to me ignoring my lawn/garden all summer. When Sunday rolled around this past weekend and it was still abnormally warm(ish) and sunny, Supreme Leader ordered me out to cut the lawn. Apparently she has issues with the grass being over her head when she has to venture out to the herb garden. Anyway, with my rental combine fired up and ready to go I set out on a day long attack on the jungle that my backyard had become. Concerned about the habitat loss for tigers in India and Bangladesh? No worries, I've found them a safe new home. I also discovered several new species of plants and three new species of frogs, all of which I have named after myself. I wish I was joking. If you don't know what a combine is, think a lawn mower for wheat that costs more than your house, or the big machine that chased Lightning McQueen and Mater when they were tipping tractors.

From a pie chart I found and promptly lost a week ago:

Muslims worldwide: 1.5 billion
Population of the United States: 307 million
Number of Americans who practise Islam: 18 million
Estimated number of Islamic extremists who actually belong to Al-Queda: less than 1000

My children in a nutshell. Emphasis on the nut.

Liam: Surprising is my business.
Connor: You shouldn't base jump when you're pregnant.

Speaking of frogs.

Really nowhere to go after that. Today's post was brought to you by the letter T and Keely, the Un-Mom.

Kermit Little Monks Hospitality Decepticon

"...the creature is driven by rage..."

2010-10-05T00:01:00.000-07:00

Liam. Ah, Liam. Somehow nature knew you would be a middle child even before your parents did. A squishy cuddly ball of love one minute and a flaming spiky vortex of homicidal rage the next. You're filling your new shoes with gusto, buddy. Gusto? Nay, you're meeting and exceeding all targets. Meeting, exceeding and thinking outside the box in an effort to open up new avenues of attention demanding outbursts.

It was cute last year in pre-school when this all started. Probably because you were smaller and easier to pick up. There was all that baby fat and your scrunched up face was more Cabbage Patch doll than Klingon toddler. Your mom and I would have to avoid eye contact with each other to keep from laughing out loud. Then it got embarrassing. We'd see the look in your teachers eyes when we arrived to pick you up and knew we'd be talking about your latest escapade. Then it was the sympathetic looks from other parents who'd arrived before us and 'cute' became a thing of the past. Then we were the parents of 'that kid.' Plenty of blog material, but not so funny anymore.

And then summer came. Mom and I hoped we could curb the beast in two months and employed every means we could think of to help turn you around. We even thought we could use the newly broken Wii as a carrot/stick means of turning you to the light, but that was not meant to be. Much like a virus, you seem to be impervious to any and all attempts to subdue your temper. Granted, it was a busy summer. You got a new baby brother whom you lost status and your bedroom too and that couldn't be easy. We get that. You finished off your second year of pre-school and were going to a kindergarten where none of your little school friends were going and that was pretty tough to swallow too. We know all that and we totally understand, little buddy, but enough is enough. Mommy and Daddy are out of ideas and your teacher is frazzled. Your teacher who has been teaching for 35 years. She's been teaching thirty years longer than you've been alive and you have her frazzled. Kudos, my man, but really, enough is enough.

On the bright side, your teacher believes one of your problems is that you are a very gifted little boy and that you just need more stimulation to keep you focused. Unfortunately, you are not her only student...

And now it's been a couple days since I first wrote the above and since then your teacher has not only mentioned that kindergarten is not mandatory, but today she "suggested" that we homeschool you. We're not quite ready to jump off that bridge so today your doctor got you a referral to a pediatrician and Wednesday you've got a date with the school counsellor. Friday is the dog whisperer.

Needless to say, your mom is a little stressed. One day she picks you up from school and everything is golden, then the next she's ducking under the yellow police tape. Tonight I watched you draw a picture and add words to it in a way that your brother couldn't do until the end of grade one and Saturday you were ready to take hostages because we dared ask you to brush your teeth.

As Dr. David Banner once said...

For those who missed the cultural references.

Jealous Of The Rhyme And The Rhyme Routine

2010-09-28T00:01:00.000-07:00

Japanese techno-pop with faux slow motion dancing? It must be Random Tuesday.

Hey. You. Ya, you with the hair. Go back to the video and watch a bit. Just watch the first little bit. Or skip ahead to about 3:45 and watch from there. Really, you'll enjoy it. If you don't, I'll give you your money back.

Heh heh.

Ernie and Bert if Picasso had drawn them.

Occasionally they don't fight.

File this under "the world is just awesome."

See all those brown spots and the grey spots underneath them? They're manta rays. Seriously. click on the picture. From German photographer Florian Schulz:

"During an aerial expedition over the coast of Baja California Sur, I came across something I had never seen before. Not even my pilot, who has surveyed this area for 20 years, had seen anything like it. As we glided high above over the water looking for whales, a large dark spot caught our attention. As we got closer we started to discover its nature: an unprecedented congregation of rays. The group was as thick as it was wide, all heading towards the same direction. I have asked around why this took place but no one has been able to explain it to me. After such a unique sighting, I realise there are so many marvels in the oceans that we are yet to understand. Our knowledge of the oceans is so limited; I just hope that we are in time to rescue it before it collapses from pollution and over fishing."

Yesterday, on the ZNN, a blog I share with Middle Aged Woman from Unmitigated, Jenni of Oscarelli commented that:

"you should do a post comparing newborns to zombies. there are ample similarities. babies are cuter, duh, but both are slow moving and suck the life out of you."

She might have something there. If this kid had teeth he'd have gnawed my arm off.

Speaking of zombies, check out The Un Mom for more Random Tuesday fun.

Are Tee Tee

2010-09-21T00:01:00.000-07:00

Hey everybody! How's- GAH! $@&*! #*%$! *% $*&%!!! $$*^#@)$*!!!!!

As sure as the sun rises in the east, I will stub my toe on the baby's bouncy chair at least once a day and usually at about 5am or while I'm actually holding the baby with the other kids around and can't... express myself properly.

My first week on the job out of training, in pictures.

The writing on my shirt from the 15th says, "extra large, double-double," which won't make any sense to you unless you live in Canada. It's one of those magical things like universal health care, colourful money and the actual separation of church and state.

While playing with Play-Doh the other day...

Supreme Leader: What are you making?
Liam: It's poison! Isn't it beautiful?

We keep his door locked at night.

"It's the most wonderful time of the year..." Back to school? Whatever, it's the beginning of the fall tv season! Speaking of school, the kids were in bed nice and early tonight... so they will be fresh for school tomorrow.

And so ends this half-assed post. Hawaii Five-O is on. Aloha.

Go visit Keely and join the fun.

My Nerves And Irrational Fear of Screwing Up In My New Job As Represented By Marshmallows And A Sharpie

2010-09-14T00:01:00.000-07:00

*Althaiophobia - fear of marshmallows.

Almost Posted Without A Title

2010-09-07T00:01:00.000-07:00

How does a family of Star Wars geeks pimp their mini-van?

This vehicle stops for Death Stars.

So what the hell? I miss a couple weeks of Random Tuesday and not only does Keely totally redecorate but she doesn't even have a button...

(short pause while I go over to her site to copy her URL)

Oh... er...

Heh heh. Oh look, a cookie.

So I'm starting my fourth week of training in my new job, which means I only have two more weeks before I'm thrown to the wolves. Remember when I was laughing it up about free coffee and BBQ's and having two monitors for my computer? Ya, well, I spent last Friday sitting in with someone and watching what I'm actually expected to be doing in a few weeks. Mommy.

Remember Alien?

This is just plain creepy.

During the last couple of shifts at my old job they started playing Justin Bieber as a part of some promotion. I know, I should have taken it to a human rights tribunal, right? Anyway, to add insult to injury, once they'd finished playing his CD a criminal amount of times, they started playing something equally as abusive. It sounded like one of those damn music compilations like the Mini-Pops where they get normal kids singing popular music and butchering it horrifically. Turned out it was actually Glee. Now don't get me wrong, I started watching the show with Supreme Leader last season and I love it. But take those songs out of the context of the show and things get ugly.

**Attention: the views mentioned above do not reflect the opinions of the entire Us & Them household, one of whom has downloaded every damn song into their iTunes library.**

Catch a Hobbit.

Because some of you like cats...

*Stormtrooper decals courtesy of Kelly Kreations on etsy.
**Alien baby from TMBLG.
***Pretty sure I got the cat of Chibijeebs.

Figuratively For Dad, Literally For Son

2010-09-02T00:01:00.000-07:00

Much like the thousand posts I've done now.

Gratuitous Baby Video, or Post 999.

2010-08-30T00:01:00.000-07:00

Will We Or Won't We?

2010-08-25T00:01:00.000-07:00

It's been a rough week.

The Gun Of Yummy*

2010-08-19T00:01:00.000-07:00

So I missed Random Tuesday again this week but have far too much random bouncing around my coconut to hold in. At least that's what the voices tell me, and I always listen to the voices. They're my friends. My precious precious friends.

*wipes away drool*

Um.. ya. So thanks for all the kind comments on Monday's post, I appreciate them, and I apologize for not getting back to everybody yet. Working full time is a real time kill. Working full time and getting paid lots makes up for that though. So did the free ice cream on my second day there. So did the BBQ we had on the third day. I haven't done much yet, but I really really like my new job. What am I doing and where? In an effort not to Dooce myself I'll just say that I'm working for a large telecommunications firm trying to keep very large customers happy. And no, not by throwing donuts at them.

What? I see you laughing.

Yes, that is a real eye. Extreme close ups by Suren Manvelyan. Click the link for more, they're amazing.

Sometimes I get this weird twitch in my thigh that feels like the vibration on my cell and I have to take my phone out of my pocket and check it. Doesn't make me a freak or anything.

When I got home last night.

Me:How is eveybody?

Supreme Leader: We were ok until the last couple of hours.

Liam: I was horrible!

You may have seen this already, but if not... awesomeness.

I have a mental image of Kurt Cobain dancing around with a big smile on his face.

Have you seen the new Scrabble card game? Instead of tiles you get playing cards with the letters on them. You start with four cards on the table spelling out a word and then you have to make new words out of it with the cards you hold. Supreme Leader got a deck to help the boys with their spelling. On their first game the word "pant" is on the table and she plays a letter U to change it to "punt." It was Connor's turn next.

Do I need to tell you what letter he played? I only wish I had been there with the camera rolling to capture the magic. And how Supreme Leader explained that it wasn't a real word and that he should never ever EVER use that word that isn't real ever again.

Dear Blogger, thank you for adding Helvetica to your tiny list of fonts, but is there a reason for the giant spaces between paragraphs when I use it? And why is it smaller in the middle of my post? Hello? McFly? Anybody in there? (Ok, I just noticed that the font size is the same in Edit but not in Preview so if it looks normal when I post, just ignore this.)

Oh wait! I almost forgot this. This is the coolest letter of resignation EVER!

*Liam was running around the house on Sunday with the whisk for the KitchenAid mixer. He called it the gun of yummy.

Eye and quitting girl via Kottke

Champagne Wishes and Caviar Dreams

2010-08-16T00:01:00.000-07:00

Last week Supreme Leader and I celebrated our 14th anniversary and today,

I'm starting a new job. A real job.

There Was A Farmer Had A Cat...

2010-08-10T00:01:00.000-07:00

Last week... wait, was it last week? No, two weeks ago... ish. Whatever. Some not to distant time ago, Julia from Our Simple Life sent me a copy of her new children's book, Bingo's Big Adventure.

I'd like to say that I gathered the kids up in a comfy armchair and read it as soon as the postman delivered it, but that wouldn't be true. For one thing, our armchair is too small for all of us to sit in anymore and even if we did the boys would just end up fighting. That and I don't have a postman, I have a postwoman. What did happen was I unwrapped it, flipped through the pretty pictures and put it down on the counter because the baby was crying or the boys were trying to push each other down the stairs or it was lunch or time for tae kwon do, yadda yadda yadda.

I'd like to say I read it the next day, but that wouldn't be true either. Not so much because things got in the way (which they would have) or I forgot about it (which I probably did), but because I couldn't get them out of the books they were reading then. I don't know about your kids, but my rabid baboons have a tendency to latch onto one book and demand to read it every night. Every. Single. Night. Sigh.

Anyway, to make a long book review that I haven't even started yet short, I finally managed to remember to grab the book at story time and refused to let them bring anything else into bed. It worked. Bingo's Big Adventure is a cute story about a real kitten Julia adopted and brought home to her farm. The book is filled with beautiful real life photos that follow Bingo for a day and the story is written through his eyes. The boys loved these since kids books tend to be filled with artwork instead of photography so it was a little different for them. They got some big laughs out of Bingo climbing a tree and trying to sneak up on a rooster. My ability to mimic a rooster at high volume made the story a total hit with the kids. My rooster noises that got the kids all wound up before bedtime was not a hit with my wife.

So two thumbs up from the boys. Ok, not literally, but when Connor went to bed that night he told us that he was going to dream about being Bingo, so that must be good. Also, whenever they watch Milo and Otis now they feel a need to bring Bingo with them. That's got to mean something, right?

If you're interested in seeing a little more of it, you can check out the book's website, Bingo's Big Adventure.

RWT: Jar Jar's Head, Watermelons and Your Johnson

2010-08-04T00:01:00.000-07:00

This was supposed to be my Random Tuesday post, but it was a holiday where I live and as a result, Monday felt like Sunday and when I woke up yesterday and started reading posts I was all, "what the hell? It's Tuesday?" and I only work like three days a week so what's up with that?

What's a post without something Star Wars related?

Do you love watermelon in the summer? Goodie for you. I despise them and everything else in the melon family. Well... never mind. Anyway, ever wonder what happens when you combine absurd amounts of electricity and fruit? Thank god there's people out there who do.

4:30am Monday morning, Finn "spit up"... spit up, who uses that phrase? Pleasant old grandmothers and people who've obviously never been power puked on à la the Exorcist minus the head spinning and crawling on the ceiling. Now, I prefer sleeping in my, shall we say, natural state, so not only did I take the warm milky bath across my bare chest, but I was also treated to it coursing down my stomach and into my crooks and crannies. No, you didn't need to know that, but you came here of your own free will. I opened the door, you walked in. Now hand me a towel.

What BP could have done with the money. Funny and horribly horribly sad all at once.

You can't tell me the advertisers who made this didn't know what they were doing. via

Future Olympian.

Gratuitous baby shot #5.

Curse of the Cursor

2010-07-28T00:01:00.000-07:00

When was the last time I actually wrote anything here? Like more than a paragraph? Aside from Random Tuesday and the occasional photo, I've been floating since well before the baby was born. I should really write something. It's not like I don't have plenty of material. Like the other night when Supreme Leader whispered to Finn that she might accidentally suffocate daddy in his sleep. That's good material. Disturbing, but quality stuff. I'm not sure if that had anything to do with when I rushed into the bathroom with the baby to take a picture of the two of us in the mirror without considering that she was in the shower at the time. She can be really touchy sometimes.

I could write about the interview I had last Monday, how it went really well because the interviewer was so easy to talk to that I didn't forget everything that I usually try to remember but completely forget because I get so nervous, but that would probably curse it and I've been let down too many times in the last year to get overly excited about it.

Or how about my oldest son who gets hardly any press anymore?

Sorry, dude, but the two little guys just have a higher cuteness factor right now and I can still get your brother Liam to do just about anything in a picture.

(Darth Maul olive lightsaber)

Besides, you were first born and we'll always have more baby photos of you than both of your brothers put together. Start letting me dress you in crazy things again and we'll talk.

Then there's always my current job where I spend a good deal of my shift writing stories for the boys on small pieces of paper while pretending to do other things. Oh ya, I'm getting paid to write.

Speaking of writing, I have to write a review for Julia of Our Simple Life who sent me a copy of the children's book she just published. That probably deserves its own post though.

And, of course, there's always the crazy stuff that the boys say, like when Connor and Liam were describing a mission in Mario Galaxy where they hit the bad guy in the private parts until he gets mad. It's actually a large ball on the end of his tail, but some things don't need to be corrected. At least not right away.

Ya, I really need to write something, but until Finn can make it through the night without feeding every five minutes, or demanding to stay awake with daddy to see what's on late night then I'm going to keep falling back on gratuitous shots of him.

Cause this is exactly how I feel 24/7 right now. Oh, and I guess Supreme Leader does too.

RTT: Sterilizers, Ghosts & Must See TV

2010-07-20T00:01:00.000-07:00

Last weekend we were driving to the in-laws and about a block away from their house we run into a 'road closed' sign where a new house is being put up. It's Saturday so I know nobody is working on it and just drive around it. Then from the back seat Liam says, "Daddy, why do you always do bad things?"

What?

We bought an Advent sterilizer a few weeks back when Finn started hitting the bottle full time. When we got it home and Supreme Leader was reading the instructions she found that it has a six hour option. Six hours. Whew! That's a relief since I was also using those bottles to genetically engineer my own strain of ebola herpes. Six hours. Hello? This is our third kid, it's a good day if we remember to wash him.

The other night we let the boys stay up and watch Ghost Busters. A quarter of the way in Liam runs to his room, grabs his squirt gun, spy glasses and builds a ghost detector.

I ain't 'fraid a no ghosts

This is made of paper and it isn't even the artists best work, its the only picture I could get. Check out the rest of his work, especially the artistic stuff.

"This guy isn't a steel worker, he's a ninja. A ninja named Tommy."

Is anyone out there as entranced by the glory that is Detective Dan Stark as Supreme Leader and I? If you're not watching The Good Guys then you should be. Bradley Whitford and Colin Hanks (son of Tom) play Dallas police officers with Whitford the grizzled veteran to Hanks by-the-book newbie. It's been done a million times, but Bradley Whitford is fantastic and the story lines are great. His character is about as far from the West Wing's Josh Lyman as could be. Makes me want to grow a mustache and buy a '79 Trans Am.

Summer So Far

2010-07-16T00:01:00.000-07:00

From left to right: The Source, Chaos, Pandemonium, and Havoc. (That was from Supreme Leader)

Loves and hates for the middle of July.

Likes:

1. Fresh local fruit, like strawberries that actually look, smell and taste like strawberries as opposed to the frankenberries we usually get from California and Mexico that have the same taste and chemical composition of bubblewrap.

2. Wind. Not the wind that repositioned my gazebo last weekend, but the heavenly cool breeze that blows in my windows and patio door and makes everything right in the world.

3. Butterflies. What? You don't like butterflies? Hater.
We've had a butterfly bush in the front yard for about three years now and we're finally attracting the big beautiful ones and not just those little white ones that look like moths.

4. Singing loud in the car. The roar of wind through the open windows makes me sound better.

5. My new Adidas shorts. I don't know if they're supposed to be trainers or basketball shorts or whatever, I just know that I would wear them every day if I could. They are that comfortable.

Dislikes:

1. The heat that keeps my little monkeys awake at night and turns them into raging homicidal maniacs during the day. Raging homicidal maniacs that can't hear, follow basic instructions or complete a sentence without trying to goad the other into a fight.

2. Pollen.

Fuck you, pollen.

3. Stories about people who leave children and dogs locked in parked cars during the full heat of the day. When I rule the world, the scales of justice will each hold an eye.

4. Reaping the benefits of Liam's dandelion collecting from last summer and this spring as we walked Connor to school and back. Thanks, buddy. Truly a gift that keeps on giving.

5. Sun tan lotion. I know it is important and yes, I do use it whenever I'm going to be outside for awhile, but I still hate it. I can't stand the feel of it on my skin. *body shudder*

Last Five Song Downloads
1. I Try - Ben Taylor (which you may recognize from the Cheerios commercial)
2. Happy - NeverShoutNever
3. Thinking Bout Something - Hanson (yes, Hanson. Bite Me, it's a good song, and the video is a remake of Twist It from The Blues Brothers)

(I got this off another blog about a month ago but can't remember which one. I know it was another daddy blogger though.)

Ok, I don't have five, but how about this? I posted it on my tumblr page the other day and then couldn't get the song out of my head.

You're welcome.

*Update. It was Kevin at Always Home and Uncool. And you should check out his site if you haven't already, it's worth the trip. And while you're there you should click his Pepsi button to help the fight against JM.

Gonna Let This One Speak For Itself

2010-07-13T00:01:00.000-07:00

RTT: this way and that.

2010-07-06T09:37:00.000-07:00

Random redirect.

(There's a baby picture)

RTT: Because

2010-06-29T00:01:00.000-07:00

Because I haven't done a Random Tuesday post in almost a month.

Bladeless fan. Because that is way cool.

Velociraptor leg. Because chicken legs are too small.

Because it combines Pulp Fiction and The Empire Strikes Back.

Because it's made of paper.

Swimming pigs. Just because.

Because one day, he'll run with the wolves too.

Keely, the Un-Mom. Because she started all of this.

And Then There Was Three

2010-06-16T00:01:00.000-07:00

Eight months of pregnancy, five weeks of hospital bed rest, two and half hours in the operating room and four days of recovery and we came home with this:

Even though he's already puked on me and peed on my leg earlier tonight, I think he's worth it.

Sorry it took so long for a photo, or to respond to anybody's comments, but like I said, we were in hospital for four days after delivery so both Supreme Leader and Baby X could recover. Plus we're all on the three hour feeding cycle now so sitting down at the computer just makes me want to lay my head down on the keyboard. I'll fill in the details later.

No, the baby doesn't have a name yet. Well, actually he has two, Aiden and Finn, we just can't decide which one we like most. We had hoped that once he was born we'd just know which one to choose, but that hasn't happened yet. Meh, we've got a month before we have to send in the paperwork.

Why Didn't I Think Of This Sooner?

2010-06-10T00:01:00.000-07:00

I had a brilliant artistic idea yesterday, but unfortunately my medium is scheduled to disappear at 11am PST today. Supreme Leader's stomach! So round, so big, so...er... no, not big. Um? Wait, she doesn't have computer access in the hospital. SO BIG! So many possibilities, so little time.

Advertising. How much do you think I could have got plastering Pampers or Huggies or Graco across this?

Connor and Liam also thought this was an excellent idea and demanded their turns. Tagged by his older brothers and he's not even out yet, a sign of things to come?

That's not a moon, that's a space station.

I really wish I'd had more time with this one. Could you imagine if I'd filled it all out in black with a picture to go by instead of just what was in my head? Hopefully one day another expectant father with an extremely patient wife will take this idea and improve upon it.

Supreme Leader's only condition for allowing me to do this to her was that the ink must come off afterwards. I don't know, I think the surgical staff would have been impressed. Anyway, if you're looking for a good marker to draw on yourself or a loved one with I'd recommend Crayola Pip-Squeaks. Easy on, easy off.

Why didn't I think of this sooner?!

Week 34: The Empire Strikes Back

2010-06-01T00:01:00.000-07:00

Darth Vader: So, you have a brother on the way. Your feelings have now betrayed him, too. Obi-Wan was wise to hide him from me. Now his failure is complete. If you will not turn to the Dark Side... then perhaps he will...
Luke: NO!

(Ignore the phantom Obi-wan in the window with the camera.)

A Little Of This, A Little Of That, Then Give It A Shake

2010-05-25T00:01:00.000-07:00

I didn't even realize it was Tuesday (even though it's not since I'm still in Monday) until I was about to turn off the computer. Good thing I horde. Digitally. Here's a picture of a cool mid-1930's Moto Guzzi, because it's random and because designers just made things sexier back then.

Monday was (is) a holiday here in Canadaland. Queen Victoria's birthday. I don't know, we needed a holiday in May. Anyway, Mother Nature, being the ruthless bitch that she is, saw fit to give us rain over the weekend and then sun today. Plus a frigid and bitter wind that was a real treat on the beach this afternoon (yesterday). While I was trying to build shelter to save myself from hypothermia my youngest was soaking himself up to the waist in the ocean and ignoring daddy's pleas to go home.

Dragonfly in Louisiana courtesy of The Big Picture. The spots on its wings are oil.

When we did go home the boys decided to fight for the rest of the day. Yay holidays!

Very cool Beatles cake.

Doesn't care what the cake is, as long as it's his.

(For those who confuse easily, he is not eating the Beatles cake.)

Life in retail. My department carries personal shavers along with housewares, and Saturday afternoon I had a mother and her teenage daughter looking at a couple and asking if they could look at two of them (they're locked for security). Now, I did have a couple points to make regarding the similarities and differences between the two products, but how does one, in particular one who stands to pee, broach the subject of whether you're intending to shave your legs or, er... maintain the lawn?

I wish I wasn't poor.

iPad + Velcro from Jesse Rosten on Vimeo.

via oneplusinfinity

Supreme Leader and Baby Fish Lips (movie?)are doing well. His exit visa is up on June 9th or 10th, barring further volcanic activity in Iceland that could keep our doctor in Europe instead of here performing the caesarian. He'll be four weeks early, but the doctor has decided that, all things considered, better out than in by then. She is still on bed rest and we're pretty much... well, we're not ready at all. Hence the dearth in posts or visits lately. Whatever. Once I've walked him home from the hospital because we don't have a car seat we'll just wrap him in newspaper because he has no clothes and he can sleep with us because... wait, we do have a crib. Woot! One thing off the list.

The Un-Mom's. Go.

Don't Stick Your Finger In There!

2010-05-18T00:01:00.000-07:00

Supreme Leader came home from the hospital on Saturday and brought balance to the Force. All is well. Now, random this.

Konichiwa!

So last week while I was at the doctor's and she was busy sticking a search light down my throat, Liam was amusing himself by playing with his Lego on the examination table. The table has a couple of finger sized metal tubes down by the foot of the bed where stirrups can be attached. They attach by sliding a long metal pin, on the stirrup, into the tubes on the bed. See where this is going? Liam drops a piece of Lego into the little tube figuring it will fall out the bottom. When it doesn't, he jams his finger into the hole where it promptly becomes stuck and will not come out. The doctor had to get some ultrasound gel and pour it into the tube and then rub it all over his finger so we could get it out. Why, oh why, didn't I have my camera on me?

Fun with sheets.

What's the point in having a blog if you can't make fun of your family, right? During the Olympics, one of Supreme Leader's sisters was a volunteer so she got quite a bit of official schwag out of it. Last weekend, while taking a walk through a nearby park and wearing an Olympic jacket, some tourists mistook her for former figure skater Kristi Yamaguchi and asked her for an autograph. I so wish I'd been there.

Jim makes pancakes. He's my hero.

Monday morning while walking Connor to school I got a text message from my brother and could see the phone was receiving another larger message. His text was asking me to ignore any videos I might receive since he was trying to send one to his wife and may have accidently sent it to me instead. Since he's in the process of moving out to Winnipeg where his wife was transferred for work three weeks ago I deleted it immediately. That's nothing I want any part of.

I want this couch.

Finally, the perfect man. I think this ad for GQ really must be seen. Words don't do it justice.

Entertained or disturbed and you want more/less? Then head to the Un-Mom's for more or to lodge a complaint.

PS. Christina, you have no link to your blog!

Ukelele duo and Jim's pancakes via BB Blog.
The perfect man via oneplusinfinity.
Couch via the Selby.

My Week

2010-05-14T00:01:00.000-07:00

Another week down as a single working dad and I'm still alive to tell the tale. How do real single parents manage to do this for real? Are there single parent bloggers out there? Cause I think I only had my computer on twice this entire week. I did keep my camera with me though.

Mother's Day. Supreme Leader is stuck with hospital food so we decided to show our appreciation with a BBQ brisket sandwich bigger than the child she's carrying. Total win.

The boys didn't care about the sandwiches as much as the desert. Notice Connor in the background? He's methodical. Careful bites so he doesn't get messy. Liam on the other hand would happily dislocate his own jaw if it meant he could shove that whole damn thing in his mouth.

My best friends. After feeling like hell for a whole week I finally decided to listen to my wife and go see the doctor. Well, after I started coughing up blood, anyway. Turns out I had strep throat. Nice. Nothing like starting out your day thinking you've either got tuberculosis or ebola.

Of course, this also means that the sickness Connor had a few weeks back was most likely strep as well. Nice catch walk-in clinic. The kids are never allowed to get sick on the weekend again.

I've paid so much in parking at Women's Hospital in the past two weeks that I should legally own a stall by now.

Might be time to catch up on things around the house. Effing grass, I'm thinking for going biblical on it and salting the whole damn thing.

Supreme Leader had another ultrasound yesterday and tomorrow she has another assessment, so maybe, just maybe she'll be home for the weekend. I hope so, because aside from really missing her, I don't think I can go through another week of trying to keep the boys quiet in the pre-natal ward without breaking.

I'm Not Dead, It's Just How I Look

2010-05-06T00:01:00.000-07:00

Despite my icy cool exterior, this is me on the inside. No, that's not true, because it's also me every time my boys are in the same room together. I don't know if it's just the stress of mommy being in the hospital and their routine being screwed up or they're just trying to break me, but for the last week, if they are awake, they are fighting. And the ridiculous crap they're fighting about?! I know my brother and I fought all the time when we were younger, but at least it was over normal things, like he was looking at me. They've fought so much lately that they've run out of things to fight about and are now inventing shit just so they can keep going. No. It must be some kind of plot. Take their last hair wash day, for example:

Connor: Hey, when daddy gives you the cloth to put over your eyes, start crying that it's dark.
Liam: That it's dark? But that's crazy. I want the cloth to keep the water out of my eyes?
Connor: I KNOW! Daddy won't know what to do.
Liam: That's brilliant! You know what would make it better though? When I'm done you should start laughing at me and calling me a baby.
Connor: High five!
*slaps*

Oh ya, it's a barrel o' laughs. Supreme Leader is still in the hospital. She and the baby are fine, but the doctor wants to keep her in until she has hit 32 weeks. Then he'll re-evaluate and go from there. Which might just be placating us and he has no intention of letting her go. We'll see next week. It could be worse though, there's another woman on her floor who has been in for eight weeks already. She's at the same stage as Supreme Leader and isn't leaving until the baby is born. Then there's the woman whose hooha had to be sewn shut to keep baby in there until its due date. It's all a matter of perspective, right?

Whose or who's? Whatever. I'd care but my throat is on fire and I have some kind of funky rash on my neck and chest. With all the running around and trips to the hospital and the never ending stress of my beloved children trying to crack my head open like a piñata I've managed to catch whatever hideous cold Connor had a few weeks ago. Either that or I need to bathe. Or I'm actually already dead and all that processed cheese and those Big Mac Meals are somehow slowing my decomp. Meh, I'm sure the kids will have me stuffed so they can keep tormenting me. And they don't want their baby brother to miss out on all the fun.

And now I'll go upstairs and make sure they're tucked in and their room is warm enough and I'll look down on their peaceful little faces and I'll forget the screaming banshees that they were earlier and maybe I'll even feel a little guilty for getting angry at them so much and promise myself to go a little easier on them tomorrow. Then they'll wake up tomorrow morning and Connor will start glaring at Liam for having the audacity to be happy in the morning instead of a troll like him and the circle of life will continue on as it should.

PS. I just found this after publishing the post and HAD to add it. Please note, this should not be taken as an announcement from the Dumbass family, we are not having twins and Supreme Leader's name is not Jennifer (though, this being a blog, it should be).

Five Days

2010-04-30T00:01:00.000-07:00

8:25am, Monday to Friday. And no, that look of gloom like he's being dragged off to a child labour camp isn't just a bad shot, that's what he looks like every day. He leaves class laughing and smiling, but mornings are for diva's.

Tuesday: Liam's two best friends. Liam, being the trooper he is, still managed to keep watching the Wonder Pets while throwing up into the bowl. Then he slept for about 23 hours and woke up like nothing had happened.

Breakfast: Multigrain, Honey Nut and Fruity Cheerios, Quaker Harvest Crunch, Kashi 7 Whole Grain Honey Puffed and a generous handful of dried cranberries. And when I'm feeling very naughty I throw in a chopped up banana.

Wednesday: The last freakin wallpaper in my house. Was it common in the 70's to use Crazy Glue when putting wallpaper up? This shit could survive a tactical nuclear strike.

Thursday and Friday and possibly all of next week as well.

But don't worry, mom and baby are fine, they just need some hospital monitored relaxation to make sure the bun is well and truly cooked before it leaves the oven.

"You Don't Much Look Like A Steer To Me"*

2010-04-27T00:01:00.000-07:00

I've only posted five times this month. What the hell? Last April I posted sixteen times and the April before that, fifty-eight. Fifty-eight posts in a month? Freak. Excuse me while I sit back and ponder that whilst stuffing another piece of chocolate ganache cake in my mouth.

I just used 'whilst' in a sentence. Did I use it correctly? Who cares, I'm eating chocolate ganache and you're not!

Had to take my oldest in for a blood test this week. He sat in my lap while I held both his arms down with the assistance of another lab techie while a third managed to stick him. His arm is so bruised he looks like a junkie. Oh, and he's fine. We're just trying to find out why he is such an asshole to his little brother who worships the ground he walks on. The tests were inconclusive.

My odometer is speaking to me in binary.

Ever heard of the 365 project on flickr? The idea is you take a picture a day for an entire year. In a Collection A Day, artist Lisa Congdon takes a picture of a collection of random things everyday.

There's a huge dandelion outbreak in my neighbourhood this year. Can't figure out why.

A great big thank you to Middle Aged Woman who sent us this framed pic from Tera of Olive Hue Design (I'm still going to get the zombie pic, Tera!) as a baby present.

Middle Aged Woman may not be so sweet if Vancouver and Detroit meet in the next round of playoffs though.

Oh, and I'm employed yet again. I won't say by who, only that it's a large North American retailers whose name rhymes with cheers, steers, beers, tears, queers, fears, nears and arrears. I'm in housewares. HOUSEWARES! Ahahahahahahaaa... ha ha... ha... sniff sniff. What the hell am I doing in housewares?

Check out Keely's for more Random Tuesday fun.

*Title anyone?

I Am...

2010-04-21T05:58:00.000-07:00

Here.

Cause Real Windows Aren't As Cool

2010-04-19T00:01:00.000-07:00

I wasn't planning on posting today since we just got back from a weekend trip to see my family, but I just found this and had to share. Share with the hopes that someone will set up a fund where people can donate money so I can buy cool things like this. Never know until you try, right?

via

A Long Time Ago, In A Galaxy Far Far From Kosher

2010-04-13T00:01:00.000-07:00

What if I could combine two of my favourite things in the world, Star Wars and bacon?

"The Bacon AT-AT stands 3 ft tall and is made with over 40 lbs of bacon. The body was made from foam, then the bacon was attached. This beast took 21 non-stop hours to build. If you've ever once thought to cook 40 lbs of bacon in your kitchen in one sitting, I can now personally advise against it."

I know, where do I go from here, right? How about Ewoks and Care Bears?

A few days ago Connor is in the bathroom peeing when his little brother decides to join him. Once Liam started Connor yells out, "Don't cross the streams!" My kids are that awesome.

Did you miss the reference? If so, maybe this tshirt from Think Geek will help.

Update: I am officially changing Supreme Leader's name to Darth Enabler. Her and her incubating Sith apprentice are slowing pushing me to the fatty side of the Force with their cravings for all that is delicious and good. I'm just trying to be supportive.

Can I ground my kids for eating all my Girl Guide cookies?

Finally, I saw this on kottke last weekend and damn near peed myself with glee. Maybe it's a guy thing.

"The centrifuge is a genuinely terrifying device. The lights dim when it is switched on. A strong wind is produced as the centrifuge induces a cyclone in the room. The smell of boiling insulation emanates from the overloaded 25 amp cables. If not perfectly adjusted and lubricated, it will shred the teeth off solid brass gears in under a second. Runs were conducted from the relative safety of the next room while peeking through a crack in the door."

*PS. (because my finally's are never final) My nephew Dakoda's birthday is on July the 4th, and this year my sister decided to take him down to the States so he could enjoy some fireworks. She needs to know where the best place in Seattle would be to watch them and ideally, find a hotel close by. Any Seattle-ites out there with a suggestion?

Bacon AT-AT, Ewoks,

2022: A Popcorn Odyssey

2010-04-06T00:01:00.000-07:00

Hey, happy belated Easter, here's a picture of my youngest son shooting cross country skiers. Wait. That might need some explanation.

Back when the Olympics were still on, BC Lottery had a pavilion set up where you could try out some of the different winter sports. There was hockey, where you could shoot a puck at a net for prizes, a virtual reality bobsled and biathlon. My boys being my boys, they immediately ran for the guns.

Liam will be five in two weeks, so I figure the first Olympics he'll be able to compete in will be in 2022. With his head start he'll be sure gold by then. Unless they're serving caramel popcorn.

That may change things.

Jesus, Darth Vader and Pi

2010-03-30T00:01:00.000-07:00

North By Northwest: The Empire Strikes Back.

Is there any movie that can not be made better with the addition of a TIE fighter and light sabers? I think not.

Watching my wife struggle through all the joys of pregnancy makes me so very very happy I was born with a penis. Miracle of childbirth? Ya, you can keep it.

Pi plate.

Get it?

Kashi would be more appealing if it didn't taste like a handful of wood chips and dirt.

Giant Darth Vader balloon head. Just because. I'd tie this to my roof if I could afford it.

Did Jesus ask to get super-sized? Researchers at the Cornell Food and Brand Lab studied fifty-two depictions of The Last Supper painted between 1000 AD and 2000 AD and discovered that:

"portion sizes of main courses (usually eel, lamb and pork) depicted in the paintings grew by 69 percent over time, while plate size grew by 66 percent and bread size grew by 23 percent."

And sticking with religious art, have you ever seen the Sistine Chapel? Click on this. No, seriously. Do it. Ok, if you don't do it now, come back later and do it. And be patient if if takes a moment or two to load, just think how long it took to paint.

Ok, that's all I got. For more Random Tuesday foolishness, click on the purple button.

Tastes Like Chicken

2010-03-25T00:01:00.000-07:00

The other night we were having chicken wings for dinner. Connor and Liam were pretending they were eating dinosaurs instead of chicken when Liam decides to throw some variety into the game.

Connor: I'm eating a pteranodon.
Liam: I'm eating an airplane.
Connor: You can't eat an airplane.
Liam: No, the guy who flies it.

He's a bucket load of cute, but I'm having trouble sleeping now.

PS. Yes, he's eating ice cream in this picture but I didn't have any of him eating a make believe human part.

Pimp Daddy

2010-03-23T00:01:00.000-07:00

Have you seen how much strollers cost these days? What the hell is with that? Do my kid's first wheels really need to cost more than my first car? The answer is obviously no, but what if I wasn't fatally unemployed and had money to blow? With only sixteen weeks left before the arrival of boy number three, what would I get for him, if I could?

How about the Roddler from Kid Kustoms? Hells ya! The $3500 starting price would totally be worth showing up all the bitchy Starbucks stroller moms.

What about a crazy assed steampunk version? I don't know what the hell this is, but I like it. Not sure what it's worth, but it was built by Bent Fabrications. Just don't lean on it in the summer.

From Worrell, the Wiegen stroller. It screams "you can't afford me," which is probably why I like it.

Finally, the Helvetia. I couldn't find any information on this one at all aside from it being built in Switzerland in 1959, but I love the old school, low rider look to it. Classy. Just like me. Bwah ha ha ha ha!

But what about dad? Since we're throwing the imaginary gravy around and the '05 Caravan just isn't cutting it anymore, how about a pimped Dodge Challenger with gull wing doors? I could fit three car seats in the back of this, and my kids would never be late for school or doctors appointments.

And even if I was late I think the Mad Max stealth bomber look would buy me some back-the-hell-off better than the minivan does. And speaking of stealth bomber, this car was actually built by Galpin Auto Sports for the US Air Force and is coated with radar absorbing paint. Other reasons daddy needs this car:

Silent exhaust system. No, like silent silent.
Biometric door lock that only opens to the driver's thumbprint.
Roof mounted camera that tracks any movement within a quarter mile.
Thermal image projection on the front windshield.

Daddy needs the Bat Mobile.

Giving Credit Where Credit Is Due

2010-03-18T00:01:00.000-07:00

Today is Day 7 of the 2010 Paralympic Games. You probably didn't know that because the world media largely disappeared from Vancouver once the Olympics were over. Even the protestors are gone since they know they won't get any publicity. The athletes are still here though. Still competing even though none of them will come away with giant sponsorship deals or celebrity endorsements. Still competing even though they know that almost no one will be watching them compete because there is little to no television coverage for their events. Still here being amazing.

This is Haitau Du of China competing in the 20 km cross-country event. Just for kicks, try running without using your arms as a counter balance and see how that feels. Then put on some cross-country skis.

The guy with the funny pictures on his goggles is Bart Bunting of Australia who is blind. The man in front of him is his guide and tells him when he needs to turn left or right or when he needs to sprint or when to prepare to go up or down hill.

This is American Alana Nicols who won the gold medal in giant slalom. Those skiers can do over 120 km/h (75 mph) and they're basically sitting in a chair. Next time you're in your car on the highway, try to imagine yourself at that speed, going downhill strapped to a chair with a ski on it. That takes a mighty pair, friends, and I'm not talking legs.

Sledge hockey. You think regular hockey is a rough game?

Finally, men's giant slalom winners Gerd Schonfelder of Germany (silver), Adam Hall of New Zealand (Gold) and Cameron Rahles-Rahbula of Australia (Bronze).

I hope that the International Olympic Committee will one day decide to meld the Olympics and Paralympics into one, because these people are awesome and they deserve the recognition.

*All photos are from Boston.com's The Big Picture which is an amazing site. If you're interested there are many more pictures of the games there.

Bea Arthur and Wontons

2010-03-16T00:01:00.000-07:00

That's what Bea said.

Where do I go from Bea, right? Hmm... wontons?

I was at my MIL's yesterday and she sent me home with fresh wontons. Mmmm, fresh wontons... Why was I at my MIL's? Because I was dealing with car problems.

Car guy: Hi, Mr. Dumbass? Ya, our technician looked at the car and says your brake (insert car jargon that I don't understand) needs to be ground down. It's causing the vibrations you've been experiencing.
Me: But it happens when the car is in neutral.
Car guy: Um ...let me call you back.

Speaking of wontons, while researching for a recent job interview I discovered that visible minorities make up 65.1% of my city. Huh? Doesn't that make me the visible minority? Meh, with an Asian wife and half-Asian kids, I'm already the visible minority in my own home.

Speaking of family, does anyone else have a kid that needs to get completely undressed to do their business on the toilet? Liam will not start until he's buck naked. Freak.

Speaking of freaks, here's a comment from my dear sister on my last post:

OMG shut your whining, I have already had 5 knee surgeries, I currently have a fractured elbow and I am NOWHERE near your age...you whining bitch, I should come over there and slap you around a bit. Wow my anger management is really paying off. Love you!

Finally, new from Restoration Hardware, an antique steamer trunk.

Or is it?

I so love this. If it wouldn't look totally out of place in my house and didn't cost $3000 I'd buy one. But it would and it does so I guess I'm stuck with my plain white Ikea table.

Ok, off to the Un Mom's for more Random Tuesday fun.

*Steamer trunk via BB Blog.

Toyota and My Knees

2010-03-11T00:01:00.000-08:00

Last week, while laying on the couch, broken and exhausted after ~~being brutally beaten~~ playing with my small children, I turned on the TV to watch some news. The lead story showed the head of Toyota groveling before Congress about all the recent safety problems with their cars and apologizing profusely, blah blah blah. As I lay there in a pool of sweat and pain, wondering whether I could defibrillate myself, a question occurred to me. Where is the recall on my body?

Where is my media outcry? Where is my legal team? I'm the victim of some seriously shoddy workmanship here and I want some answers. I want the president and CEO of whoever put this thing together sitting before my congressional committee and sweating. Profusely.

Suspension and Power Train. I have the knees of an octogenarian. An octogenarian marathon runner/mogul skier. What's up with that? Ok, sure I was hard on them and all those horrendous bike crashes in my youth didn't help, but come on, you have to design for that kind of wear and tear. That's like building a 4x4 that can't drive off road.

Chassis. My lower back feels like I've spent my life hauling rocks out of a mine by hand. Again, yes, some of that is my own fault, but it's not like I really have been working in a mine. I need this back for a long time to come and it's not like I can replace it.

Carburetor/Air Filters. My immune system? Thanks to El Niño and global warming we had unusually warm weather this year and everything has been blooming for weeks now, which means my seasonal allergies started in February. February. So I now have about eight months of runny nose to look forward too, and somebody needs to answer for that.

I'm thirty-nine years old and I have a new baby on the way in four months. Another boy. I've already had a black eye, chipped teeth and innumerable shots to the groin from my four and six year old and now I've got another one to defend myself against? I don't have time to joke around anymore about being a fat couch potato, if I don't get in shape now those kids are going to bury me. How am I supposed to do that with this body? I need upgrades. I need replacements. I need answers.

My pack eat their own, and I can't run that fast.